Online dating is the new form of dating , Placing a profile online as to what you would want from a partner and placing a picture of yourself makes online dating so much easier to find a mate. I read many profiles some very intellectual and some very childish. I always enjoyed reading through the profiles to understand what people needs are for a relationship and what makes people happy for a relationship. It always seem the majority of men want to relive there childhood, There profiles always wanted an outdoor girl, what ever that meant, in my opinion if she was outdoors then when will she have time to be a mother and wife, but that is exactly what these men did not want, they wanted a playmate, and there was some which you can see from there profiles wanted pure wives too look after them. Most of the men I came across who have given up most of the lives for the career get to an age between 50 and 60 years old and then realize they worked so hard to climb the corporate ladder and now that they are busy falling off from it there is no one to catch them, Online dating is a secure way of meeting people and safe from a female point of view because you can sit in your home and choose a potential partner. We would never walk in a mall, see a guy/gal, walk up to them, and say, “Hi, would you like to chat” therefore online dating is a great forum to meet people.
The danger of online dating is not meeting the people physically, because you meet them in malls for coffee and if you do not like them, you move on. The dangers of online dating are more to do with our mental state of mind. Being single for 3 years and meeting people online has given me the opportunity to meet wonderful people whom I could never have met if I have not been online. After 3 years of online dating, I still find myself single, why? Most ask me. The Answer is simple. We as humans attract what our wants are, you have a profile, which you “advise” people to react to, and you have a mental profile in your subconscious of what you want within a person. The two does not necessary correspond. Firstly you place an ad to suit the norm and to present yourself as normal as possible. The underlying problem is in what state of mind are you actually writing that profile.
There can be many reasons why you actually going online,
You have been hurt by a someone you have loved dearly
You are on the rebound
You trying to prove a point to the ex. That you can be with someone.
You need to find a partner before your ex does.
You don’t want to be alone
You insecure and need validation that you can be loved.
The list is endless
No one goes onto the site because they feel secure, loved and want to enhance another’s life. Online dating is like trying to manipulate destiny ourselves because there is an urgency to heal, and therefore allowing destiny to play its part would only prolong our agony. Yes, many have found there partners online, I say look within yourself and ask yourself, “Did you really find what your heart desire” or did that person fulfill a need of desperation that you needed to be filled by someone.
When I say we attract what we put out, I also mean that when we are hurting and feel unloved, it is obvious that is what we will attract. Online dating is that attraction. Healthy minded people would not consider choosing partners from a site because they know those people are not healthy within there hearts and mind. Who wants to spend there lives healing someone who cannot heal himself or herself. Healthy relationships come from the people involved who understand what it means to love unconditionally and those people know that they are emotionally stable and that is what they will attract. You will meet a vast amount of people from all walks OF LIFE ONLINE but they will all have the same thing in common. Trying to find someone to heal them because they do not understand that what you think you attract , they hurting therefore they attract others who are hurting into there lives only to find that 3 or 4 months down the line things don’t work out because perhaps they are healed and the relationship does not serve there purpose anymore.
To have a healthy relationship with someone you need to understand what your needs are, you need to Learn and feel the difference between love and hurt. You have to understand Healthy minds create healthy relationships. You cannot heal nor mend another person only yourself. When you are focused and you can smile to yourself because you feel contentment then that is the time when you will attract another person whom you will feel comfortable to allow them to enhance what you have already achieved. You do not do any justice to the other person by smothering them with your love when they cannot find it in there own heart to love themselves. Allow them the space to find love within themselves. Set them free to find themselves and when they come back you know you can have a relationship based on love and not needs. Another fatal flaw with online dating is that people do not put there 100% into the relationship as they know with one click of a mouse they can find another…. In addition, those who do date with there online potentials will always have the fear that they could be busy with other people online too. When a relationship starts wrong then it will breed all the wrong emotions in the relationship. Trust and Love will be taken for granted….
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Identifying "Players" And Red Flags (Compiled by a man Christian Carter)
Have you ever been mixed up with a "Player"?
One that seemed like a great guy at first, but turned out to be a complete different person?
Unfortunately, if you're like lots of women I know, then at some point you dated a guy who seemed great, but you didn't figure out what he was really about until it was too late.
And you had already become emotionally and physically involved with a guy who wasn't really in it with you for the right reasons.
He just wanted to "hook up" and play around.
How come these awful and painful situations happen to so many women over and over?
Is it because men just dont understand the hurt they put woman thru?
Or is there a way a woman can learn to spot some of the "red flags" in a man before she gets too involved?
Let me answer those questions by first talking about what a Player is, why he's not into anything "real"... and how to avoid getting "lured in" by these kinds of men in the first place...
HOW PLAYERS HOOK YOU IN
The scenario with a Player usually goes a little something like this:
You're out with your girlfriends and you spot a really attractive guy checking you out from across the room.
You both make eye contact and he heads over to you and he immediately says something like:
"I usually don't this, but you're the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long time, and I just HAD to talk to you."
He may offer to buy you a drink. He may say something funny or sarcastic.
And you're disarmed by his looks, his confidence and charm, and in the back of your mind you wonder if he's a little too good to be true.
You know you should hold back a little and you wonder who this guy REALLY IS, but you just can't seem to help yourself...
Next thing you know, you feel that rush of excitement and anticipation the more you talk and laugh together, and by the end of the evening he may even casually ask if he can come over and "hang out" a bit longer with you.
Or just grab a drink and keep "talking".
You hardly hesitate before saying yes.
In your mind, inviting him back to your place seems completely OK... even though you're NOT the kind of woman who does this sort of thing when you first meet a man.
But you're SURE that there's something DIFFERENT about this guy. And he assures you that he's a "good" guy and he's really into you - at least indirectly.
Which makes it O.K. Why shouldn't you enjoy the moment with this great guy you've just met?
And before you know it, you're back at his place or yours, and things get physical and you spend the night together.
But then it happens...
The next morning he seems a little different.
He's not so chatty and curious about you.
He's actually kind of quiet and withdrawn...
and you start getting that "gut feeling" that you may have made a TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
As he leaves he tells you that he'll DEFINITELY call you.
You want to believe him, but either he never calls you... or after a couple of random e-mails or calls or text messages, he stops calling altogether.
And it dawns on you...
This guy wasn't DIFFERENT.
He wasn't SPECIAL.
And he certainly wasn't going to be the love of your life.
This guy is a PLAYER!
You're so mad and embarrassed that you've been played AGAIN, it almost makes you want to give up on love altogether.
Lots of women in this situation become understandably frustrated, upset, and end up feeling and acting a little "weird" around men they meet after this happens.
Part of this is of course because, at a deeper level, they've lost TRUST in men.
Don't let what you don't know, and what you haven't been able to identify in men before when you've "dated" keep from allowing a great relationship to start and grow with the RIGHT MAN.
WHY MEN ACT LIKE PLAYERS AND ENJOY "THE GAME"
The SAD TRUTH is that some men view picking
up women as a sort of game.
They talk and brag about women with other men and describe the way they meet and attract women,
all to make themselves feel more significant and attractive or powerful as a man.
In some male circles, this can even be a sign of status and power.
Of course, this external "power" doesn't have any real meaning, and it's an immature way for a man
to feel better about himself and try and connect to the world.
But in reality, the Mr. Perfect Player DOESN'T
have the confidence and inner-strength you thought he did at first.
His "great job" is really a way for him to try and raise his self-esteem
And his air of confidence is part of the persona he puts on to try and get women interested
in him and fill his bed (instead of his heart and his mind).
So why do men like this do it?
Why do Players seem to lie, and how they can be so cruel, detached, and selfish?
Are they completely sick and twisted individuals?
Or do these "bad boys" have more in common
with your everyday male than you might care to know?
Player Type #1) The "Ego-Driven" Player These are the guys who want or need attention
from multiple women because it feeds their ego and makes them feel better about themselves. They aren't necessarily bad guys, and often develop deep connections with the women they're with... but they're shameless flirts that usually don' t know any better than to live their lives seeking approval and validation from lots of women. And the affection of a woman and sex is their ultimate form of getting approval. You'll find these guys constantly in and out of short "relationships", but never making any of them work out... because it's really all about them.
Player Type #2) The "Social" Player:
These are the guys who make a career out of
learning how to pick up women and it becomes
their favorite evening pastime. They're in it for
more of the challenge and experience than they
are for the actual "connection" with the women
they meet. You'll find them out partying all the
time, always going somewhere, always having a
woman to call, and never spending a night home
alone. These are the types who rarely, if ever,
have real girlfriends and relationships.
Player Type #3) The "Intimate" Player:
These guys are seeking something purely physical
from a woman, and don't have much else on their mind... but they mask it by being very friendly and loving when they're in the company of a woman.
But it isn't really love for them. They're often the most sensual and artistic types, and charm
women with their ability to be in touch with their feelings and their ability to make a woman
comfortable with intimate contact soon after they meet.
You'll find these guys dating lots of women
at one time and feeling no need to "commit," nor
seeing a reason to. They're very open one night, and casual and detached the next.
Do any of these jog your memory?I think every woman has met at least one or
two of these guys.
So why do intelligent, attractive and exciting women fall for jerks like these who are obviously
out for themselves?
And why is it hard for some women to see the signs of a Player coming before getting involved
with one?
WHY WOMEN FALL FOR PLAYERS
There's one word that answers why women so easily fall for the lines and find themselves
getting duped by these kind of men:
CHEMISTRY.
You could also call this "Connection".
Here's something you should know, that I
find FASCINATING...
Oftentimes, the men who AREN'T very caring, generous, patient, polite, considerate, etc., end
up attracting women with their not-so-sweet and charming ways.
I'm sure you've seen this with way too many of your girlfriends.
And maybe even with yourself. Why?
Well, the short explanation is this-
Attraction Secret #1: What makes a man attractive
to a woman, and creates that magic and intense
"spark" of chemistry, has NOTHING to do with
whether or not a man would make a great LONG-TERM PARTNER.
In other words... just because you can "feel
it" with a man and share an intense level of
Physical Attraction, it doesn't mean that you also
share what will make you great partners in a loving relationship.
For a man, Physical Attraction has very little to do with his "Emotional Brain."
A man can feel INTENSE Physical Attraction for a woman, and have an amazing connection with her... but experience little or no desire to get
into a deeper relationship.
This is where tons of women make a huge mistake that guarantees they have an impossible
time getting to know a man, and seeing if he's real "relationship material" from the start.
Attraction Secret #2: Not only does having
"chemistry" with a man have nothing to do with whether he'd make a great partner... but the
kinds of qualities that can make you FEEL ATTRACTED to a man can even be the very ones
that make for a BAD PARTNER. Fascinating.
I want you to think about this. The very nature of the "bad" qualities that
a man has can be the very things that make you feel ATTRACTION to him.
Of course, whenever women first hear me say this, they roll their eyes and say, "No way.
That's ridiculous!"
These are usually the women who are THE MOST GUILTY of being attracted to the wrong men because they're completely UNCONSCIOUS of the deeper "triggers" of attraction going on underneath the surface.
Let me give you an example with one of my
very favorite qualities that adds to attraction-
UNPREDICTABILITY.
There's a funny trick our mind plays on us
all the time, every day, which has to do with things that are predictable and unpredictable.
Since our minds have to process so much information, it often creates "shortcuts" and
groups the predictable behavior into one lump category, which are things that end up unnoticed
and are hard to remember in hindsight...But UNpredictable behavior makes us our minds
instantly take notice and whole set of intense feelings and emotions are triggered inside us.
Imagine how you would feel, for example, if you witnessed an airplane crash on your typical,
boring drive to work tomorrow morning. Would that be difficult to recall later?
I'm guessing you would probably relive that incident the entire day, and remember it for the
rest of your life.Unpredictable events often bring about feelings
of excitement, danger, anticipation, curiosity,
etc.
And guess what?
These are some of the same feelings we experience when we experience ATTRACTION and LOVE.
So here's where lots of women run into trouble in their love-lives...
What makes Players and Bad Boys intriguing and often exciting to be around has NOTHING to do with whether they'd make a good mate or partner.
They just act in a way that makes them SEEM exciting or different.
And in case that wasn't strange or frustrating enough for you, here's some more bad news...
While these Players are wasting your time with
their phony lines and empty promises, the men who ARE actually looking for a deeper connection or relationship are standing alone because they often
AREN'T as skilled or experienced at creating an initial connection with a woman the way a Player is.They don't know much about how to make a woman "feel it" when they first meet them... so they don't get noticed.They seem like "nice guys".
In other words, the "average" guy who still could be as loving, caring, fun and exciting as
any other man hasn't usually gone out and practiced his "approach" on a hundred women like
most lots of Players have.So he's not going to likely be the one who
makes you feel that intense instant chemistry...Which puts both him and you at a disadvantage.
HOW TO DEAL WITH PLAYERS
So... now that I've explained who the Players are and why they do it, you may be wondering,
"How can I tell a Player from a Good Guy who just happens to be attractive and likes to do
fun, exciting, unpredictable stuff?"
And..."How do I filter out the Players without becoming a jaded, bitchy woman who second-guesses everything good a man tries to do and say?"Having to always guess if a man's intentions are "true" or not is a real pain. But guess what?
These are the REALITIES of being a MATURE WOMAN who's seeking a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a MATURE MAN.And guess what else?
Anything besides a MATURE RELATIONSHIP is going to hurt and disappoint you.
Here's a common mistake women make at this stage that I want you to avoid at all costs:
A lot of women think that they can "save" or "convert" a player by simply showing him MORE
love and understanding... because they believe the guy just hasn't found the right kind of
love with the right woman... and that the "connection" they share is special and real.
If you care about yourself, and your sanity, don't kid yourself.
It's a hopeless cause with a man who doesn't have RELATIONSHIP on his mind..
You need a mature and loving PARTNER, not a PROJECT.
In fact, if you're serious about finding a man for a truly loving relationship... then I'd
suggest you find a man who is not only interested in a relationship, but has done lots of reading
and learning about "relationship" and "relationship dynamics" on his own.
These are the men who make it easy to share and grow with.
The truth is that a relationship is only as good as the people in it.
But if you're like lots of women, that doesn't stop you from choosing a man just because of the
way he can make you FEEL sometimes when things are at their best.
Of course, right now you might be thinking,"Come on, Christian, what's so wrong with
being optimistic? Aren't there always exceptions
to every rule?" This isn't just a matter of being optimistic,
this is being DELUSIONAL when you're dealing with a Player.
You can't fix a man, and you can't love and care enough FOR him to make it work for the both
of you. If you've ever found yourself "carrying" a relationship and doing all the "work" yourself,
while the man seems to just keep making the same mistakes over and over and doesn't grow... then guess what? YOU are one of the women living a inside a
pretend-relationship where you'll do anything to cover up the fact that who the man you're with really it isn't working for you. Which means... you are playing the role of"The Fixer" - aka "The Convincer." And where does that get you?
Nowhere, FAST. So am I'm saying that players NEVER, EVER settle down?
No... OCCASIONALLY some Players learn to drop the hustle and get involved in a serious
relationship. But it NEVER happens just because a woman, or
ANYONE for that matter, asks him or wants him to. It's because he makes his own mind up.
So how do you deal with a guy you suspect might be "playing" you?
The best tool a woman has against Players is the POWER of QUESTIONS.
Questions like,
"You're so cute. I'm just curious, are you
involved with anyone right now?" Or...
"What kind of experience are you looking for with a woman at this point in your life?"
Or... if a man has asked you out, you might be a little playful with him and ask:
"So why did you ask me out?"If the man you ask questions to is a genuinely
"Good Guy," he'll answer and address your questions and doubts with mature responses.
And he'll probably tell you some fascinatingand revealing things about himself. Especially
if you ask and listen in a way that seems simply and curious - not leading and judgmental.
And here's the fascinating part... he'll do this even if you've had other men act weird or
freak out when you asked these same questions.
Crazy, huh?
A Good Guy might even turn your questions into FUN and FLIRTATIOUS opportunities for
connection and growth point between you two. Of course, an immature man, or a man who
doesn't have his act together for a relationship,
will get pretty irritated or thrown off by these kinds of questions.
By learning how and when to ask the right questions, women are use to having those
frustrating "repeat relationships" that go nowhere learn how to get to the heart of the matter and recognize a Good Guy from a Player... and create a loving relationship that works with the right man.
There is Good men waiting for you to Buzz them....
One that seemed like a great guy at first, but turned out to be a complete different person?
Unfortunately, if you're like lots of women I know, then at some point you dated a guy who seemed great, but you didn't figure out what he was really about until it was too late.
And you had already become emotionally and physically involved with a guy who wasn't really in it with you for the right reasons.
He just wanted to "hook up" and play around.
How come these awful and painful situations happen to so many women over and over?
Is it because men just dont understand the hurt they put woman thru?
Or is there a way a woman can learn to spot some of the "red flags" in a man before she gets too involved?
Let me answer those questions by first talking about what a Player is, why he's not into anything "real"... and how to avoid getting "lured in" by these kinds of men in the first place...
HOW PLAYERS HOOK YOU IN
The scenario with a Player usually goes a little something like this:
You're out with your girlfriends and you spot a really attractive guy checking you out from across the room.
You both make eye contact and he heads over to you and he immediately says something like:
"I usually don't this, but you're the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long time, and I just HAD to talk to you."
He may offer to buy you a drink. He may say something funny or sarcastic.
And you're disarmed by his looks, his confidence and charm, and in the back of your mind you wonder if he's a little too good to be true.
You know you should hold back a little and you wonder who this guy REALLY IS, but you just can't seem to help yourself...
Next thing you know, you feel that rush of excitement and anticipation the more you talk and laugh together, and by the end of the evening he may even casually ask if he can come over and "hang out" a bit longer with you.
Or just grab a drink and keep "talking".
You hardly hesitate before saying yes.
In your mind, inviting him back to your place seems completely OK... even though you're NOT the kind of woman who does this sort of thing when you first meet a man.
But you're SURE that there's something DIFFERENT about this guy. And he assures you that he's a "good" guy and he's really into you - at least indirectly.
Which makes it O.K. Why shouldn't you enjoy the moment with this great guy you've just met?
And before you know it, you're back at his place or yours, and things get physical and you spend the night together.
But then it happens...
The next morning he seems a little different.
He's not so chatty and curious about you.
He's actually kind of quiet and withdrawn...
and you start getting that "gut feeling" that you may have made a TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
As he leaves he tells you that he'll DEFINITELY call you.
You want to believe him, but either he never calls you... or after a couple of random e-mails or calls or text messages, he stops calling altogether.
And it dawns on you...
This guy wasn't DIFFERENT.
He wasn't SPECIAL.
And he certainly wasn't going to be the love of your life.
This guy is a PLAYER!
You're so mad and embarrassed that you've been played AGAIN, it almost makes you want to give up on love altogether.
Lots of women in this situation become understandably frustrated, upset, and end up feeling and acting a little "weird" around men they meet after this happens.
Part of this is of course because, at a deeper level, they've lost TRUST in men.
Don't let what you don't know, and what you haven't been able to identify in men before when you've "dated" keep from allowing a great relationship to start and grow with the RIGHT MAN.
WHY MEN ACT LIKE PLAYERS AND ENJOY "THE GAME"
The SAD TRUTH is that some men view picking
up women as a sort of game.
They talk and brag about women with other men and describe the way they meet and attract women,
all to make themselves feel more significant and attractive or powerful as a man.
In some male circles, this can even be a sign of status and power.
Of course, this external "power" doesn't have any real meaning, and it's an immature way for a man
to feel better about himself and try and connect to the world.
But in reality, the Mr. Perfect Player DOESN'T
have the confidence and inner-strength you thought he did at first.
His "great job" is really a way for him to try and raise his self-esteem
And his air of confidence is part of the persona he puts on to try and get women interested
in him and fill his bed (instead of his heart and his mind).
So why do men like this do it?
Why do Players seem to lie, and how they can be so cruel, detached, and selfish?
Are they completely sick and twisted individuals?
Or do these "bad boys" have more in common
with your everyday male than you might care to know?
Player Type #1) The "Ego-Driven" Player These are the guys who want or need attention
from multiple women because it feeds their ego and makes them feel better about themselves. They aren't necessarily bad guys, and often develop deep connections with the women they're with... but they're shameless flirts that usually don' t know any better than to live their lives seeking approval and validation from lots of women. And the affection of a woman and sex is their ultimate form of getting approval. You'll find these guys constantly in and out of short "relationships", but never making any of them work out... because it's really all about them.
Player Type #2) The "Social" Player:
These are the guys who make a career out of
learning how to pick up women and it becomes
their favorite evening pastime. They're in it for
more of the challenge and experience than they
are for the actual "connection" with the women
they meet. You'll find them out partying all the
time, always going somewhere, always having a
woman to call, and never spending a night home
alone. These are the types who rarely, if ever,
have real girlfriends and relationships.
Player Type #3) The "Intimate" Player:
These guys are seeking something purely physical
from a woman, and don't have much else on their mind... but they mask it by being very friendly and loving when they're in the company of a woman.
But it isn't really love for them. They're often the most sensual and artistic types, and charm
women with their ability to be in touch with their feelings and their ability to make a woman
comfortable with intimate contact soon after they meet.
You'll find these guys dating lots of women
at one time and feeling no need to "commit," nor
seeing a reason to. They're very open one night, and casual and detached the next.
Do any of these jog your memory?I think every woman has met at least one or
two of these guys.
So why do intelligent, attractive and exciting women fall for jerks like these who are obviously
out for themselves?
And why is it hard for some women to see the signs of a Player coming before getting involved
with one?
WHY WOMEN FALL FOR PLAYERS
There's one word that answers why women so easily fall for the lines and find themselves
getting duped by these kind of men:
CHEMISTRY.
You could also call this "Connection".
Here's something you should know, that I
find FASCINATING...
Oftentimes, the men who AREN'T very caring, generous, patient, polite, considerate, etc., end
up attracting women with their not-so-sweet and charming ways.
I'm sure you've seen this with way too many of your girlfriends.
And maybe even with yourself. Why?
Well, the short explanation is this-
Attraction Secret #1: What makes a man attractive
to a woman, and creates that magic and intense
"spark" of chemistry, has NOTHING to do with
whether or not a man would make a great LONG-TERM PARTNER.
In other words... just because you can "feel
it" with a man and share an intense level of
Physical Attraction, it doesn't mean that you also
share what will make you great partners in a loving relationship.
For a man, Physical Attraction has very little to do with his "Emotional Brain."
A man can feel INTENSE Physical Attraction for a woman, and have an amazing connection with her... but experience little or no desire to get
into a deeper relationship.
This is where tons of women make a huge mistake that guarantees they have an impossible
time getting to know a man, and seeing if he's real "relationship material" from the start.
Attraction Secret #2: Not only does having
"chemistry" with a man have nothing to do with whether he'd make a great partner... but the
kinds of qualities that can make you FEEL ATTRACTED to a man can even be the very ones
that make for a BAD PARTNER. Fascinating.
I want you to think about this. The very nature of the "bad" qualities that
a man has can be the very things that make you feel ATTRACTION to him.
Of course, whenever women first hear me say this, they roll their eyes and say, "No way.
That's ridiculous!"
These are usually the women who are THE MOST GUILTY of being attracted to the wrong men because they're completely UNCONSCIOUS of the deeper "triggers" of attraction going on underneath the surface.
Let me give you an example with one of my
very favorite qualities that adds to attraction-
UNPREDICTABILITY.
There's a funny trick our mind plays on us
all the time, every day, which has to do with things that are predictable and unpredictable.
Since our minds have to process so much information, it often creates "shortcuts" and
groups the predictable behavior into one lump category, which are things that end up unnoticed
and are hard to remember in hindsight...But UNpredictable behavior makes us our minds
instantly take notice and whole set of intense feelings and emotions are triggered inside us.
Imagine how you would feel, for example, if you witnessed an airplane crash on your typical,
boring drive to work tomorrow morning. Would that be difficult to recall later?
I'm guessing you would probably relive that incident the entire day, and remember it for the
rest of your life.Unpredictable events often bring about feelings
of excitement, danger, anticipation, curiosity,
etc.
And guess what?
These are some of the same feelings we experience when we experience ATTRACTION and LOVE.
So here's where lots of women run into trouble in their love-lives...
What makes Players and Bad Boys intriguing and often exciting to be around has NOTHING to do with whether they'd make a good mate or partner.
They just act in a way that makes them SEEM exciting or different.
And in case that wasn't strange or frustrating enough for you, here's some more bad news...
While these Players are wasting your time with
their phony lines and empty promises, the men who ARE actually looking for a deeper connection or relationship are standing alone because they often
AREN'T as skilled or experienced at creating an initial connection with a woman the way a Player is.They don't know much about how to make a woman "feel it" when they first meet them... so they don't get noticed.They seem like "nice guys".
In other words, the "average" guy who still could be as loving, caring, fun and exciting as
any other man hasn't usually gone out and practiced his "approach" on a hundred women like
most lots of Players have.So he's not going to likely be the one who
makes you feel that intense instant chemistry...Which puts both him and you at a disadvantage.
HOW TO DEAL WITH PLAYERS
So... now that I've explained who the Players are and why they do it, you may be wondering,
"How can I tell a Player from a Good Guy who just happens to be attractive and likes to do
fun, exciting, unpredictable stuff?"
And..."How do I filter out the Players without becoming a jaded, bitchy woman who second-guesses everything good a man tries to do and say?"Having to always guess if a man's intentions are "true" or not is a real pain. But guess what?
These are the REALITIES of being a MATURE WOMAN who's seeking a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a MATURE MAN.And guess what else?
Anything besides a MATURE RELATIONSHIP is going to hurt and disappoint you.
Here's a common mistake women make at this stage that I want you to avoid at all costs:
A lot of women think that they can "save" or "convert" a player by simply showing him MORE
love and understanding... because they believe the guy just hasn't found the right kind of
love with the right woman... and that the "connection" they share is special and real.
If you care about yourself, and your sanity, don't kid yourself.
It's a hopeless cause with a man who doesn't have RELATIONSHIP on his mind..
You need a mature and loving PARTNER, not a PROJECT.
In fact, if you're serious about finding a man for a truly loving relationship... then I'd
suggest you find a man who is not only interested in a relationship, but has done lots of reading
and learning about "relationship" and "relationship dynamics" on his own.
These are the men who make it easy to share and grow with.
The truth is that a relationship is only as good as the people in it.
But if you're like lots of women, that doesn't stop you from choosing a man just because of the
way he can make you FEEL sometimes when things are at their best.
Of course, right now you might be thinking,"Come on, Christian, what's so wrong with
being optimistic? Aren't there always exceptions
to every rule?" This isn't just a matter of being optimistic,
this is being DELUSIONAL when you're dealing with a Player.
You can't fix a man, and you can't love and care enough FOR him to make it work for the both
of you. If you've ever found yourself "carrying" a relationship and doing all the "work" yourself,
while the man seems to just keep making the same mistakes over and over and doesn't grow... then guess what? YOU are one of the women living a inside a
pretend-relationship where you'll do anything to cover up the fact that who the man you're with really it isn't working for you. Which means... you are playing the role of"The Fixer" - aka "The Convincer." And where does that get you?
Nowhere, FAST. So am I'm saying that players NEVER, EVER settle down?
No... OCCASIONALLY some Players learn to drop the hustle and get involved in a serious
relationship. But it NEVER happens just because a woman, or
ANYONE for that matter, asks him or wants him to. It's because he makes his own mind up.
So how do you deal with a guy you suspect might be "playing" you?
The best tool a woman has against Players is the POWER of QUESTIONS.
Questions like,
"You're so cute. I'm just curious, are you
involved with anyone right now?" Or...
"What kind of experience are you looking for with a woman at this point in your life?"
Or... if a man has asked you out, you might be a little playful with him and ask:
"So why did you ask me out?"If the man you ask questions to is a genuinely
"Good Guy," he'll answer and address your questions and doubts with mature responses.
And he'll probably tell you some fascinatingand revealing things about himself. Especially
if you ask and listen in a way that seems simply and curious - not leading and judgmental.
And here's the fascinating part... he'll do this even if you've had other men act weird or
freak out when you asked these same questions.
Crazy, huh?
A Good Guy might even turn your questions into FUN and FLIRTATIOUS opportunities for
connection and growth point between you two. Of course, an immature man, or a man who
doesn't have his act together for a relationship,
will get pretty irritated or thrown off by these kinds of questions.
By learning how and when to ask the right questions, women are use to having those
frustrating "repeat relationships" that go nowhere learn how to get to the heart of the matter and recognize a Good Guy from a Player... and create a loving relationship that works with the right man.
There is Good men waiting for you to Buzz them....
Monday, July 16, 2007
Relationship Issues…Why do we need to be Loved?...16 July 2007
Why do we need to be in love?
Why do we choose the partners that we fall in love with?
If we all had the answers I suppose we would all not Love at all.
With a few experiences and Research, we can teach ourselves to understand these complex emotions and learn how to manage these feelings in a loving and constructive way. We all try very hard to avoid hurt and pain but little do we know that those emotions bring out the hidden “agendas” within ourselves that is actually fighting to be released from our bodies and it takes certain people to draw it out of us. We might feel that they are responsible for our hurt and suffering but we do not realize at the time that no one can hurt something that is within you but yourself. Some might say He/She is responsible for hurting me but the reality is, He/she is not, he/she is part of your life but they cannot hold, control nor make you feel your value. You have to be responsible for your own heart, feelings and life. We make the mistake or we give other people the responsibility of taking care what is within ourselves who are irresponsible and then becomes very destructive to our well-being. If we made that choice of allowing other people to take care of our heart and feelings then how can we blame them for not taking care of it the way we would have ourselves. That is why when we are hurt and when we are disappointed we cannot say they hurt us, they broke our heart, they let us down, and we did that to ourselves by not taking care of ourselves.
Points on why people yearn to be in relationships, which is for all the wrong reasons.
1. Loneliness
2. pressure
3. Lust
4. Rebound
5. Trophy
6. Validation
7. Emotional Emptiness
Loneliness:
I consider loneliness the second killer after aids. Loneliness is all in the mind, we can be sitting in a crowd amongst our family, kids and friends that adore us but the loneliness cannot be erased. An example of loneliness and I am sure many can relate to this story is when you sitting at home all alone, you think back of your ex you then feel empty, your heart hurts and you remember the happy times, someone that made you feel special and then suddenly you will hear yourself saying “maybe I should call and tell him I miss him” it cant hurt, can it? Perhaps that relationship was for me ….
Another example : you on a date and she is not that attractive but what the heck it beats sitting at home alone, you finish your dinner and your thoughts are racing , as this lady is giving you signals that she likes you but you know she is not the one for you but she is filling a gap. You missed the closeness and she is providing it for you, so what if you decide to sleep with her, it does not mean you have to marry her, Right?
Take the first story, loneliness drove her to call her ex, he came over, cheered her up and slept with her, the next day when the loneliness period disappeared they found themselves back in the red zone and eventually had no option but to break all ties.
The second story He starts to feel comfortable with the idea of having someone around, she is in love with him, he only needs someone to fill his loneliness and eventually he marries her, A few months later after his heart and frame of mind is healed and stronger to be independent he finds himself in a miserable marriage because his needs are not met by her anymore. He leaves her and moves on.
Pressure
Woman have these pressures more than men do, they have to consider there age for child bearing, they have to consider there Looks and Body as time goes on. Men’s pressure comes mostly from being financially stable. We are pressured by our friends which are married but little do we know they actually envy us being single because we not the ones that need to rush to cook for our husbands , we can decide to go to the movies when it pleases us and there is no need to fill out leave forms to leave the house. Single people are always pressured to settle down because society has placed that “burden” on relationships.
Lust
Many people prolong toxic relationships because there partner is good in bed. People who have the tendency to confuse love with lust have the problem with having sexual encounters with many people without realizing that they have lost all value to themselves. It is not about Love but it is about wanting someone, no matter who it is as long as it is filled with a human. Someone that renders a service and makes you feel validated as a person. This is one of the most dangerous emotions that man has which leads to there emotional downfall. People loose a part of themselves, the values and there loving partners through this number one relationship killer
ReboundThis is my favorite topic. Many people think the quickest way to overcome there pain is through another person. Big mistake! You will find that these rebound relationships are all quick fixes. I met a man who I did not know came out of a painful relationship, I fell in love with him and little did I know I was filling a lonely heart that was in rebound after being released from an intense relationship. After a few months all the hurtful emotions that he did not deal with started to surface and doubt started sinking into his mind that I would do the same as his ex did to him because he did not fall in love with the value of my love but the idea of filling his loneliness and what he has lost. I could say it was a conflict of emotions, which was not dealt with correctly, and he got into our relationship for all the wrong reasons. People like me are available to others who come out of painful relationships and we end with the pain because our love heals there past pains. So my advise would be , if you know someone came out of a painful relationship its best you wait for them to heal and deal with there pain but don’t get emotionally involve with someone who needs to let go of past pains. You will be left dealing with all that pain and they will be healed and ready to move onto a healthy relationship.
Trophy
A very interesting subject, a new and upcoming kind of relationship that is breeding faster than any virus I know. Woman of a certain category age group find themselves victims to this new age relationship. At first she will not know that she falls into that category she will be told after she is in it for a few months but will not understand it until the end of the relationship becomes inevitable. The “trophy” relationship is based on how she makes him feel in public, it is a “show” not a relationship. It is all how she makes him feel in public and what she provides as a woman rather than as a person. He would prefer to be out having dinners in the best restaurants so that people can see who he is with and that will boost his ego, He would not prefer to take her to places where they are intimately alone, in fact he would be very annoyed when they are alone because she does nothing for him, it is her presence that attracts others to look at him that strokes his ego and that is what he strives on, his need is ego driven not her. He needs public validation and she provides him with that attention .This need of validation becomes painful to him because eventually the trophy starts rusting and then needs to be replaced and the cycle continues until he becomes to old to provide the needs to maintain a trophy.
Validation
We all are victims to this word. Some enter into relationship to feel validated even though they hate the things there partner does, Example they would never choose a partner that drinks nor a partner that loves naked bars but there need for validation allows them to look pass that and they enter into validation relationships because of that need, but when they are validated they become restless as the need increases and for that reason they will never feel secure because of the constant need to be validated.
Emotional emptiness
People who constantly feel empty and feel a void in there lives enter into this kind of relationship. This emptiness are experienced by discomfort or tension in its mild forms, later it leads to depression and many men fall into these stages but never understand it. Whether a relationship is healthy or not, loving or abusive, fulfilling or annoying it will be unimportant because just the idea of “being in a relationship” fills the emptiness.
You can see how easy it is to get into a wrong relationship for the wrong reasons with the wrong people. Only after months when the high has worn off do we see clearly of our mistake that then leads to pain. More painful is when you are faced with the reality that you could have avoided this pain but chose the “quick fix” method.
Love is a wonderful emotion filled with joy and it heightens our existence. At the same time when we use these tools incorrectly, it could cause major damage to our lives. How often do you hear someone say, “You make me miserable,”” I am annoyed by the way you love me”…etc so often this is the kind of person who lacks wholeness and completion in himself or herself. They are the people who fears love because they have emotional damage that they have not learned to deal with it. Telling your partner that something as beautiful as love is annoying should tell you about the emotional scars he/ she carries within themselves and your love is so strong that the more you love them the more you draw out the pain, I would say that could be very healing to the one who is receiving the love and the person that is loving should not feel belittled because they are helping someone to heal. The One who fights against an emotion of love is one who loves deeply, He/she will go through the extremes to push, hurt and avoid the one who loves them. Some people do not understand that sometimes allowing them to feel the pain of love is actually, what they need to heal. Allow the other persons love to draw out the pain within you. Do not try to avoid them; do not try to persuade them that you are not what they want. Trust there judgment that they know what they want. You need to trust yourself and understand that if they are drawing out so much pain then it means that they can fill it with so much love. You need to be honest and tell them that you want to love but you need there support in understanding that you need time to heal. As long as there is respect and devotion, then it is healthy but when it becomes abusive and disrespectful then that is when you have to draw the line.
Why do we choose the partners that we fall in love with?
If we all had the answers I suppose we would all not Love at all.
With a few experiences and Research, we can teach ourselves to understand these complex emotions and learn how to manage these feelings in a loving and constructive way. We all try very hard to avoid hurt and pain but little do we know that those emotions bring out the hidden “agendas” within ourselves that is actually fighting to be released from our bodies and it takes certain people to draw it out of us. We might feel that they are responsible for our hurt and suffering but we do not realize at the time that no one can hurt something that is within you but yourself. Some might say He/She is responsible for hurting me but the reality is, He/she is not, he/she is part of your life but they cannot hold, control nor make you feel your value. You have to be responsible for your own heart, feelings and life. We make the mistake or we give other people the responsibility of taking care what is within ourselves who are irresponsible and then becomes very destructive to our well-being. If we made that choice of allowing other people to take care of our heart and feelings then how can we blame them for not taking care of it the way we would have ourselves. That is why when we are hurt and when we are disappointed we cannot say they hurt us, they broke our heart, they let us down, and we did that to ourselves by not taking care of ourselves.
Points on why people yearn to be in relationships, which is for all the wrong reasons.
1. Loneliness
2. pressure
3. Lust
4. Rebound
5. Trophy
6. Validation
7. Emotional Emptiness
Loneliness:
I consider loneliness the second killer after aids. Loneliness is all in the mind, we can be sitting in a crowd amongst our family, kids and friends that adore us but the loneliness cannot be erased. An example of loneliness and I am sure many can relate to this story is when you sitting at home all alone, you think back of your ex you then feel empty, your heart hurts and you remember the happy times, someone that made you feel special and then suddenly you will hear yourself saying “maybe I should call and tell him I miss him” it cant hurt, can it? Perhaps that relationship was for me ….
Another example : you on a date and she is not that attractive but what the heck it beats sitting at home alone, you finish your dinner and your thoughts are racing , as this lady is giving you signals that she likes you but you know she is not the one for you but she is filling a gap. You missed the closeness and she is providing it for you, so what if you decide to sleep with her, it does not mean you have to marry her, Right?
Take the first story, loneliness drove her to call her ex, he came over, cheered her up and slept with her, the next day when the loneliness period disappeared they found themselves back in the red zone and eventually had no option but to break all ties.
The second story He starts to feel comfortable with the idea of having someone around, she is in love with him, he only needs someone to fill his loneliness and eventually he marries her, A few months later after his heart and frame of mind is healed and stronger to be independent he finds himself in a miserable marriage because his needs are not met by her anymore. He leaves her and moves on.
Pressure
Woman have these pressures more than men do, they have to consider there age for child bearing, they have to consider there Looks and Body as time goes on. Men’s pressure comes mostly from being financially stable. We are pressured by our friends which are married but little do we know they actually envy us being single because we not the ones that need to rush to cook for our husbands , we can decide to go to the movies when it pleases us and there is no need to fill out leave forms to leave the house. Single people are always pressured to settle down because society has placed that “burden” on relationships.
Lust
Many people prolong toxic relationships because there partner is good in bed. People who have the tendency to confuse love with lust have the problem with having sexual encounters with many people without realizing that they have lost all value to themselves. It is not about Love but it is about wanting someone, no matter who it is as long as it is filled with a human. Someone that renders a service and makes you feel validated as a person. This is one of the most dangerous emotions that man has which leads to there emotional downfall. People loose a part of themselves, the values and there loving partners through this number one relationship killer
ReboundThis is my favorite topic. Many people think the quickest way to overcome there pain is through another person. Big mistake! You will find that these rebound relationships are all quick fixes. I met a man who I did not know came out of a painful relationship, I fell in love with him and little did I know I was filling a lonely heart that was in rebound after being released from an intense relationship. After a few months all the hurtful emotions that he did not deal with started to surface and doubt started sinking into his mind that I would do the same as his ex did to him because he did not fall in love with the value of my love but the idea of filling his loneliness and what he has lost. I could say it was a conflict of emotions, which was not dealt with correctly, and he got into our relationship for all the wrong reasons. People like me are available to others who come out of painful relationships and we end with the pain because our love heals there past pains. So my advise would be , if you know someone came out of a painful relationship its best you wait for them to heal and deal with there pain but don’t get emotionally involve with someone who needs to let go of past pains. You will be left dealing with all that pain and they will be healed and ready to move onto a healthy relationship.
Trophy
A very interesting subject, a new and upcoming kind of relationship that is breeding faster than any virus I know. Woman of a certain category age group find themselves victims to this new age relationship. At first she will not know that she falls into that category she will be told after she is in it for a few months but will not understand it until the end of the relationship becomes inevitable. The “trophy” relationship is based on how she makes him feel in public, it is a “show” not a relationship. It is all how she makes him feel in public and what she provides as a woman rather than as a person. He would prefer to be out having dinners in the best restaurants so that people can see who he is with and that will boost his ego, He would not prefer to take her to places where they are intimately alone, in fact he would be very annoyed when they are alone because she does nothing for him, it is her presence that attracts others to look at him that strokes his ego and that is what he strives on, his need is ego driven not her. He needs public validation and she provides him with that attention .This need of validation becomes painful to him because eventually the trophy starts rusting and then needs to be replaced and the cycle continues until he becomes to old to provide the needs to maintain a trophy.
Validation
We all are victims to this word. Some enter into relationship to feel validated even though they hate the things there partner does, Example they would never choose a partner that drinks nor a partner that loves naked bars but there need for validation allows them to look pass that and they enter into validation relationships because of that need, but when they are validated they become restless as the need increases and for that reason they will never feel secure because of the constant need to be validated.
Emotional emptiness
People who constantly feel empty and feel a void in there lives enter into this kind of relationship. This emptiness are experienced by discomfort or tension in its mild forms, later it leads to depression and many men fall into these stages but never understand it. Whether a relationship is healthy or not, loving or abusive, fulfilling or annoying it will be unimportant because just the idea of “being in a relationship” fills the emptiness.
You can see how easy it is to get into a wrong relationship for the wrong reasons with the wrong people. Only after months when the high has worn off do we see clearly of our mistake that then leads to pain. More painful is when you are faced with the reality that you could have avoided this pain but chose the “quick fix” method.
Love is a wonderful emotion filled with joy and it heightens our existence. At the same time when we use these tools incorrectly, it could cause major damage to our lives. How often do you hear someone say, “You make me miserable,”” I am annoyed by the way you love me”…etc so often this is the kind of person who lacks wholeness and completion in himself or herself. They are the people who fears love because they have emotional damage that they have not learned to deal with it. Telling your partner that something as beautiful as love is annoying should tell you about the emotional scars he/ she carries within themselves and your love is so strong that the more you love them the more you draw out the pain, I would say that could be very healing to the one who is receiving the love and the person that is loving should not feel belittled because they are helping someone to heal. The One who fights against an emotion of love is one who loves deeply, He/she will go through the extremes to push, hurt and avoid the one who loves them. Some people do not understand that sometimes allowing them to feel the pain of love is actually, what they need to heal. Allow the other persons love to draw out the pain within you. Do not try to avoid them; do not try to persuade them that you are not what they want. Trust there judgment that they know what they want. You need to trust yourself and understand that if they are drawing out so much pain then it means that they can fill it with so much love. You need to be honest and tell them that you want to love but you need there support in understanding that you need time to heal. As long as there is respect and devotion, then it is healthy but when it becomes abusive and disrespectful then that is when you have to draw the line.
Relationship Issues…Why do we need to be Loved?...
Why do we need to be in love?
Why do we choose the partners that we fall in love with?
If we all had the answers I suppose we would all not Love at all.
With a few experiences and Research, we can teach ourselves to understand these complex emotions and learn how to manage these feelings in a loving and constructive way. We all try very hard to avoid hurt and pain but little do we know that those emotions bring out the hidden “agendas” within ourselves that is actually fighting to be released from our bodies and it takes certain people to draw it out of us. We might feel that they are responsible for our hurt and suffering but we do not realize at the time that no one can hurt something that is within you but yourself. Some might say He/She is responsible for hurting me but the reality is, He/she is not, he/she is part of your life but they cannot hold, control nor make you feel your value. You have to be responsible for your own heart, feelings and life. We make the mistake or we give other people the responsibility of taking care what is within ourselves who are irresponsible and then becomes very destructive to our well-being. If we made that choice of allowing other people to take care of our heart and feelings then how can we blame them for not taking care of it the way we would have ourselves. That is why when we are hurt and when we are disappointed we cannot say they hurt us, they broke our heart, they let us down, and we did that to ourselves by not taking care of ourselves.
Points on why people yearn to be in relationships, which is for all the wrong reasons.
1. Loneliness
2. pressure
3. Lust
4. Rebound
5. Trophy
6. Validation
7. Emotional Emptiness
Loneliness:
I consider loneliness the second killer after aids. Loneliness is all in the mind, we can be sitting in a crowd amongst our family, kids and friends that adore us but the loneliness cannot be erased. An example of loneliness and I am sure many can relate to this story is when you sitting at home all alone, you think back of your ex you then feel empty, your heart hurts and you remember the happy times, someone that made you feel special and then suddenly you will hear yourself saying “maybe I should call and tell him I miss him” it cant hurt, can it? Perhaps that relationship was for me ….
Another example : you on a date and she is not that attractive but what the heck it beats sitting at home alone, you finish your dinner and your thoughts are racing , as this lady is giving you signals that she likes you but you know she is not the one for you but she is filling a gap. You missed the closeness and she is providing it for you, so what if you decide to sleep with her, it does not mean you have to marry her, Right?
Take the first story, loneliness drove her to call her ex, he came over, cheered her up and slept with her, the next day when the loneliness period disappeared they found themselves back in the red zone and eventually had no option but to break all ties.
The second story He starts to feel comfortable with the idea of having someone around, she is in love with him, he only needs someone to fill his loneliness and eventually he marries her, A few months later after his heart and frame of mind is healed and stronger to be independent he finds himself in a miserable marriage because his needs are not met by her anymore. He leaves her and moves on.
Pressure
Woman have these pressures more than men do, they have to consider there age for child bearing, they have to consider there Looks and Body as time goes on. Men’s pressure comes mostly from being financially stable. We are pressured by our friends which are married but little do we know they actually envy us being single because we not the ones that need to rush to cook for our husbands , we can decide to go to the movies when it pleases us and there is no need to fill out leave forms to leave the house. Single people are always pressured to settle down because society has placed that “burden” on relationships.
Lust
Many people prolong toxic relationships because there partner is good in bed. People who have the tendency to confuse love with lust have the problem with having sexual encounters with many people without realizing that they have lost all value to themselves. It is not about Love but it is about wanting someone, no matter who it is as long as it is filled with a human. Someone that renders a service and makes you feel validated as a person. This is one of the most dangerous emotions that man has which leads to there emotional downfall. People loose a part of themselves, the values and there loving partners through this number one relationship killer
ReboundThis is my favorite topic. Many people think the quickest way to overcome there pain is through another person. Big mistake! You will find that these rebound relationships are all quick fixes. I met a man who I did not know came out of a painful relationship, I fell in love with him and little did I know I was filling a lonely heart that was in rebound after being released from an intense relationship. After a few months all the hurtful emotions that he did not deal with started to surface and doubt started sinking into his mind that I would do the same as his ex did to him because he did not fall in love with the value of my love but the idea of filling his loneliness and what he has lost. I could say it was a conflict of emotions, which was not dealt with correctly, and he got into our relationship for all the wrong reasons. People like me are available to others who come out of painful relationships and we end with the pain because our love heals there past pains. So my advise would be , if you know someone came out of a painful relationship its best you wait for them to heal and deal with there pain but don’t get emotionally involve with someone who needs to let go of past pains. You will be left dealing with all that pain and they will be healed and ready to move onto a healthy relationship.
Trophy
A very interesting subject, a new and upcoming kind of relationship that is breeding faster than any virus I know. Woman of a certain category age group find themselves victims to this new age relationship. At first she will not know that she falls into that category she will be told after she is in it for a few months but will not understand it until the end of the relationship becomes inevitable. The “trophy” relationship is based on how she makes him feel in public, it is a “show” not a relationship. It is all how she makes him feel in public and what she provides as a woman rather than as a person. He would prefer to be out having dinners in the best restaurants so that people can see who he is with and that will boost his ego, He would not prefer to take her to places where they are intimately alone, in fact he would be very annoyed when they are alone because she does nothing for him, it is her presence that attracts others to look at him that strokes his ego and that is what he strives on, his need is ego driven not her. He needs public validation and she provides him with that attention .This need of validation becomes painful to him because eventually the trophy starts rusting and then needs to be replaced and the cycle continues until he becomes to old to provide the needs to maintain a trophy.
Validation
We all are victims to this word. Some enter into relationship to feel validated even though they hate the things there partner does, Example they would never choose a partner that drinks nor a partner that loves naked bars but there need for validation allows them to look pass that and they enter into validation relationships because of that need, but when they are validated they become restless as the need increases and for that reason they will never feel secure because of the constant need to be validated.
Emotional emptiness
People who constantly feel empty and feel a void in there lives enter into this kind of relationship. This emptiness are experienced by discomfort or tension in its mild forms, later it leads to depression and many men fall into these stages but never understand it. Whether a relationship is healthy or not, loving or abusive, fulfilling or annoying it will be unimportant because just the idea of “being in a relationship” fills the emptiness.
You can see how easy it is to get into a wrong relationship for the wrong reasons with the wrong people. Only after months when the high has worn off do we see clearly of our mistake that then leads to pain. More painful is when you are faced with the reality that you could have avoided this pain but chose the “quick fix” method.
Love is a wonderful emotion filled with joy and it heightens our existence. At the same time when we use these tools incorrectly, it could cause major damage to our lives. How often do you hear someone say, “You make me miserable,”” I am annoyed by the way you love me”…etc so often this is the kind of person who lacks wholeness and completion in himself or herself. They are the people who fears love because they have emotional damage that they have not learned to deal with it. Telling your partner that something as beautiful as love is annoying should tell you about the emotional scars he/ she carries within themselves and your love is so strong that the more you love them the more you draw out the pain, I would say that could be very healing to the one who is receiving the love and the person that is loving should not feel belittled because they are helping someone to heal. The One who fights against an emotion of love is one who loves deeply, He/she will go through the extremes to push, hurt and avoid the one who loves them. Some people do not understand that sometimes allowing them to feel the pain of love is actually, what they need to heal. Allow the other persons love to draw out the pain within you. Do not try to avoid them; do not try to persuade them that you are not what they want. Trust there judgment that they know what they want. You need to trust yourself and understand that if they are drawing out so much pain then it means that they can fill it with so much love. You need to be honest and tell them that you want to love but you need there support in understanding that you need time to heal. As long as there is respect and devotion, then it is healthy but when it becomes abusive and disrespectful then that is when you have to draw the line.
Why do we choose the partners that we fall in love with?
If we all had the answers I suppose we would all not Love at all.
With a few experiences and Research, we can teach ourselves to understand these complex emotions and learn how to manage these feelings in a loving and constructive way. We all try very hard to avoid hurt and pain but little do we know that those emotions bring out the hidden “agendas” within ourselves that is actually fighting to be released from our bodies and it takes certain people to draw it out of us. We might feel that they are responsible for our hurt and suffering but we do not realize at the time that no one can hurt something that is within you but yourself. Some might say He/She is responsible for hurting me but the reality is, He/she is not, he/she is part of your life but they cannot hold, control nor make you feel your value. You have to be responsible for your own heart, feelings and life. We make the mistake or we give other people the responsibility of taking care what is within ourselves who are irresponsible and then becomes very destructive to our well-being. If we made that choice of allowing other people to take care of our heart and feelings then how can we blame them for not taking care of it the way we would have ourselves. That is why when we are hurt and when we are disappointed we cannot say they hurt us, they broke our heart, they let us down, and we did that to ourselves by not taking care of ourselves.
Points on why people yearn to be in relationships, which is for all the wrong reasons.
1. Loneliness
2. pressure
3. Lust
4. Rebound
5. Trophy
6. Validation
7. Emotional Emptiness
Loneliness:
I consider loneliness the second killer after aids. Loneliness is all in the mind, we can be sitting in a crowd amongst our family, kids and friends that adore us but the loneliness cannot be erased. An example of loneliness and I am sure many can relate to this story is when you sitting at home all alone, you think back of your ex you then feel empty, your heart hurts and you remember the happy times, someone that made you feel special and then suddenly you will hear yourself saying “maybe I should call and tell him I miss him” it cant hurt, can it? Perhaps that relationship was for me ….
Another example : you on a date and she is not that attractive but what the heck it beats sitting at home alone, you finish your dinner and your thoughts are racing , as this lady is giving you signals that she likes you but you know she is not the one for you but she is filling a gap. You missed the closeness and she is providing it for you, so what if you decide to sleep with her, it does not mean you have to marry her, Right?
Take the first story, loneliness drove her to call her ex, he came over, cheered her up and slept with her, the next day when the loneliness period disappeared they found themselves back in the red zone and eventually had no option but to break all ties.
The second story He starts to feel comfortable with the idea of having someone around, she is in love with him, he only needs someone to fill his loneliness and eventually he marries her, A few months later after his heart and frame of mind is healed and stronger to be independent he finds himself in a miserable marriage because his needs are not met by her anymore. He leaves her and moves on.
Pressure
Woman have these pressures more than men do, they have to consider there age for child bearing, they have to consider there Looks and Body as time goes on. Men’s pressure comes mostly from being financially stable. We are pressured by our friends which are married but little do we know they actually envy us being single because we not the ones that need to rush to cook for our husbands , we can decide to go to the movies when it pleases us and there is no need to fill out leave forms to leave the house. Single people are always pressured to settle down because society has placed that “burden” on relationships.
Lust
Many people prolong toxic relationships because there partner is good in bed. People who have the tendency to confuse love with lust have the problem with having sexual encounters with many people without realizing that they have lost all value to themselves. It is not about Love but it is about wanting someone, no matter who it is as long as it is filled with a human. Someone that renders a service and makes you feel validated as a person. This is one of the most dangerous emotions that man has which leads to there emotional downfall. People loose a part of themselves, the values and there loving partners through this number one relationship killer
ReboundThis is my favorite topic. Many people think the quickest way to overcome there pain is through another person. Big mistake! You will find that these rebound relationships are all quick fixes. I met a man who I did not know came out of a painful relationship, I fell in love with him and little did I know I was filling a lonely heart that was in rebound after being released from an intense relationship. After a few months all the hurtful emotions that he did not deal with started to surface and doubt started sinking into his mind that I would do the same as his ex did to him because he did not fall in love with the value of my love but the idea of filling his loneliness and what he has lost. I could say it was a conflict of emotions, which was not dealt with correctly, and he got into our relationship for all the wrong reasons. People like me are available to others who come out of painful relationships and we end with the pain because our love heals there past pains. So my advise would be , if you know someone came out of a painful relationship its best you wait for them to heal and deal with there pain but don’t get emotionally involve with someone who needs to let go of past pains. You will be left dealing with all that pain and they will be healed and ready to move onto a healthy relationship.
Trophy
A very interesting subject, a new and upcoming kind of relationship that is breeding faster than any virus I know. Woman of a certain category age group find themselves victims to this new age relationship. At first she will not know that she falls into that category she will be told after she is in it for a few months but will not understand it until the end of the relationship becomes inevitable. The “trophy” relationship is based on how she makes him feel in public, it is a “show” not a relationship. It is all how she makes him feel in public and what she provides as a woman rather than as a person. He would prefer to be out having dinners in the best restaurants so that people can see who he is with and that will boost his ego, He would not prefer to take her to places where they are intimately alone, in fact he would be very annoyed when they are alone because she does nothing for him, it is her presence that attracts others to look at him that strokes his ego and that is what he strives on, his need is ego driven not her. He needs public validation and she provides him with that attention .This need of validation becomes painful to him because eventually the trophy starts rusting and then needs to be replaced and the cycle continues until he becomes to old to provide the needs to maintain a trophy.
Validation
We all are victims to this word. Some enter into relationship to feel validated even though they hate the things there partner does, Example they would never choose a partner that drinks nor a partner that loves naked bars but there need for validation allows them to look pass that and they enter into validation relationships because of that need, but when they are validated they become restless as the need increases and for that reason they will never feel secure because of the constant need to be validated.
Emotional emptiness
People who constantly feel empty and feel a void in there lives enter into this kind of relationship. This emptiness are experienced by discomfort or tension in its mild forms, later it leads to depression and many men fall into these stages but never understand it. Whether a relationship is healthy or not, loving or abusive, fulfilling or annoying it will be unimportant because just the idea of “being in a relationship” fills the emptiness.
You can see how easy it is to get into a wrong relationship for the wrong reasons with the wrong people. Only after months when the high has worn off do we see clearly of our mistake that then leads to pain. More painful is when you are faced with the reality that you could have avoided this pain but chose the “quick fix” method.
Love is a wonderful emotion filled with joy and it heightens our existence. At the same time when we use these tools incorrectly, it could cause major damage to our lives. How often do you hear someone say, “You make me miserable,”” I am annoyed by the way you love me”…etc so often this is the kind of person who lacks wholeness and completion in himself or herself. They are the people who fears love because they have emotional damage that they have not learned to deal with it. Telling your partner that something as beautiful as love is annoying should tell you about the emotional scars he/ she carries within themselves and your love is so strong that the more you love them the more you draw out the pain, I would say that could be very healing to the one who is receiving the love and the person that is loving should not feel belittled because they are helping someone to heal. The One who fights against an emotion of love is one who loves deeply, He/she will go through the extremes to push, hurt and avoid the one who loves them. Some people do not understand that sometimes allowing them to feel the pain of love is actually, what they need to heal. Allow the other persons love to draw out the pain within you. Do not try to avoid them; do not try to persuade them that you are not what they want. Trust there judgment that they know what they want. You need to trust yourself and understand that if they are drawing out so much pain then it means that they can fill it with so much love. You need to be honest and tell them that you want to love but you need there support in understanding that you need time to heal. As long as there is respect and devotion, then it is healthy but when it becomes abusive and disrespectful then that is when you have to draw the line.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
A message to my Kids- Fayaadh, Fadwa and Salma...
As a family we have build a strong foundation
You might have been alone physically
However, you have never been alone spiritually
I have walked every path with you
Because those paths I have created for you …
For your gain, I have tasted pain
I lived to be the very best for you
Your dreams are in my hands
And one day when my finest day comes,
You will be all that I seized for you …
All that I am, was for you
I am racing with destiny now
You will have the very best.
I will give you rods to fish
However, never give you fish…
You will be all that you can be,
While I watch from a distance
If you should fall, trust that I will
Be there to catch you and place you were you belong,
Many have unseen guardian angels
You will have one, which you will call
MOM
My love for you will always be unconditional
I will love you in a way, no other will understand
I am your pillar when all else crumble
I will not think for you
I will advise
I will not live your dreams
I will direct it
I will not keep you under my wing
As that will hamper your growth
I will not watch over you
You might have been alone physically
However, you have never been alone spiritually
I have walked every path with you
Because those paths I have created for you …
For your gain, I have tasted pain
I lived to be the very best for you
Your dreams are in my hands
And one day when my finest day comes,
You will be all that I seized for you …
All that I am, was for you
I am racing with destiny now
You will have the very best.
I will give you rods to fish
However, never give you fish…
You will be all that you can be,
While I watch from a distance
If you should fall, trust that I will
Be there to catch you and place you were you belong,
Many have unseen guardian angels
You will have one, which you will call
MOM
My love for you will always be unconditional
I will love you in a way, no other will understand
I am your pillar when all else crumble
I will not think for you
I will advise
I will not live your dreams
I will direct it
I will not keep you under my wing
As that will hamper your growth
I will not watch over you
but for you
I will not feed you by my hand
However, will teach you how to eat.
I will not abide by the norms but you will be
Independent, healthy and loving adults
You will understand the trials and errors of life
I have taught you one lesson
Always remember, it’s your life, make your own rules
As long as you have a good character, nothing else matters
Because no money nor wealth can buy that
And character is the only thing we leave and take
With us to the grave…
I will not feed you by my hand
However, will teach you how to eat.
I will not abide by the norms but you will be
Independent, healthy and loving adults
You will understand the trials and errors of life
I have taught you one lesson
Always remember, it’s your life, make your own rules
As long as you have a good character, nothing else matters
Because no money nor wealth can buy that
And character is the only thing we leave and take
With us to the grave…
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
How to Deal with Grief....
Know that it is common to move back and forth between stages. Grieving rarely goes in a straight line!
Denial:
You can't believe the relationship is over or that this is happening to you. There must be some mistake!
Shock:
You might feel pain, numbness, feeling out of control, feeling like you're going crazy. You may experience mood swings, panic, rage, relief, optimism, freedom, despair, anxietyjust about any emotion you can think of! This stage may go on for months.
Common fears include "how will I survive" (financially, emotionally, physically, etc); fears about the intensity of feelings; fears about being unloveable or never able to love again; fears that you will never get through the pain, that this is how you will feel the rest of your life! You may feel panicked about the future. You might fear what other people think of you.
Confusion/Rollercoaster:
The feelings, thoughts, questions go around and around and around and never seem to settle down.
There is a great need to try to make sense of what has happened. Why did it happen? What did I do? What's wrong with me? Was there ever real love in our relationship?
Your brain will invent numerous stories to try to make sense of it. Your imagination may run wild.
You may blame yourself for everything. You may blame your spouse for everything. You may blame other people, work, kids, in-laws, Godall as part of searching for sense.
You may question your own judgement about people and life.
Thoughts about what happened will keep intruding. It may feel as though you can never stop thinking about it. You will tend to re-hash it over and over and over.
You may feel incompetent, inadequate. Depression may settle in. You may find yourself crying for little or no reason at times and places you don't expect to. It may seem as though your crying will never stop.
Hope and bargaining:
There is a desire and a belief that somehow it will still work out and the relationship will be reconciled. You might think of all the ways you are willing to change or things you are willing to do and that if you could just do these, the relationship will be healed. Part of the challenge of this stage is to recognize that no matter what you do, say, think, want, you cannot control the other person.
Letting Go of the Old Relationship:
Realizing and accepting that the relationship is truly over and can never be the way it was again. Even if you continue to co-parent, the relationship will need to be completely different than the old. Doing the groundwork for forgiveness that includes naming, claiming the injuries, blaming, balancing and finally choosing to forgive in steps. Liberates YOU from the past.
Growth and emergence:
Gradually the rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions begins to even out. Some of the intensity decreases. You begin to notice that you can make a difference in your own life, that you can create a fulfilling life for yourself after this experience. You begin to make plans. You take more action. You try new interests and discover more of your strengths and talents. You develop areas of yourself that you thought were weaknesses. You feel some fears, but you go forward in spite of them. You move out of focusing solely on the past. You move from pain into possibility. You begin to let go of thoughts, beliefs, blame that keep you locked in the past. You discover more of your own power.
What if you are the one that left?
Some of the things that leavers frequently experience may include some of the stages listed above. This usually starts for the leaver while still in the marriage. Other concerns leavers express are:
Lack of support or understanding of your pain, guilt, sadness, fears, etc.
Misunderstanding of what you did do to try to save the relationship, feeling you could have tried harder.
Feeling like a failure especially when you may have tried to change your behavior and were unsuccessful.
Wondering if it was the right decision.
Fear of rejection from children, friends, family.
Fear of being blamed for everything that led to the breakdown of the marriage.
Feeling lost, alone and wanting to jump into another relationship to ease the pain
Denial:
You can't believe the relationship is over or that this is happening to you. There must be some mistake!
Shock:
You might feel pain, numbness, feeling out of control, feeling like you're going crazy. You may experience mood swings, panic, rage, relief, optimism, freedom, despair, anxietyjust about any emotion you can think of! This stage may go on for months.
Common fears include "how will I survive" (financially, emotionally, physically, etc); fears about the intensity of feelings; fears about being unloveable or never able to love again; fears that you will never get through the pain, that this is how you will feel the rest of your life! You may feel panicked about the future. You might fear what other people think of you.
Confusion/Rollercoaster:
The feelings, thoughts, questions go around and around and around and never seem to settle down.
There is a great need to try to make sense of what has happened. Why did it happen? What did I do? What's wrong with me? Was there ever real love in our relationship?
Your brain will invent numerous stories to try to make sense of it. Your imagination may run wild.
You may blame yourself for everything. You may blame your spouse for everything. You may blame other people, work, kids, in-laws, Godall as part of searching for sense.
You may question your own judgement about people and life.
Thoughts about what happened will keep intruding. It may feel as though you can never stop thinking about it. You will tend to re-hash it over and over and over.
You may feel incompetent, inadequate. Depression may settle in. You may find yourself crying for little or no reason at times and places you don't expect to. It may seem as though your crying will never stop.
Hope and bargaining:
There is a desire and a belief that somehow it will still work out and the relationship will be reconciled. You might think of all the ways you are willing to change or things you are willing to do and that if you could just do these, the relationship will be healed. Part of the challenge of this stage is to recognize that no matter what you do, say, think, want, you cannot control the other person.
Letting Go of the Old Relationship:
Realizing and accepting that the relationship is truly over and can never be the way it was again. Even if you continue to co-parent, the relationship will need to be completely different than the old. Doing the groundwork for forgiveness that includes naming, claiming the injuries, blaming, balancing and finally choosing to forgive in steps. Liberates YOU from the past.
Growth and emergence:
Gradually the rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions begins to even out. Some of the intensity decreases. You begin to notice that you can make a difference in your own life, that you can create a fulfilling life for yourself after this experience. You begin to make plans. You take more action. You try new interests and discover more of your strengths and talents. You develop areas of yourself that you thought were weaknesses. You feel some fears, but you go forward in spite of them. You move out of focusing solely on the past. You move from pain into possibility. You begin to let go of thoughts, beliefs, blame that keep you locked in the past. You discover more of your own power.
What if you are the one that left?
Some of the things that leavers frequently experience may include some of the stages listed above. This usually starts for the leaver while still in the marriage. Other concerns leavers express are:
Lack of support or understanding of your pain, guilt, sadness, fears, etc.
Misunderstanding of what you did do to try to save the relationship, feeling you could have tried harder.
Feeling like a failure especially when you may have tried to change your behavior and were unsuccessful.
Wondering if it was the right decision.
Fear of rejection from children, friends, family.
Fear of being blamed for everything that led to the breakdown of the marriage.
Feeling lost, alone and wanting to jump into another relationship to ease the pain
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)